So Sam is now officially 12. One more year of pre-teen-hood.. officially, because unofficially he’s already there. He was so excited he could hardly sleep for days.
He wrote his list of presents he “needs” and just to make sure I don’t forget, he also emailed me his detailed list. With prices and possible places where I can find them. His number one wish was to have a NintendoDS 3D.. I have refused to get one for him every since they came out. So now, the guilt really got me, and I succumbed to yet another digital mind numbing device. He’s been so attached to his iPad lately, that I figured, he will get the 3D and forget all about his wonderful science apps that he is using now. But I couldn’t not get it for him after he asked and begged since Thanksgiving last year.. Then followed the numbered and alphabetically organized Hero Factory and Star Wars lego sets. The list was fairly long, but I couldn’t help but aplaude the fact that he knows exactly what he wants, and has spelled it out perfectly!
So, one day of shopping and a couple of hundred dollars later, I had checked everything off the list, plus my own list: Balloons – check, Cake ingredients – check, a bottle of carbonated apple juice in a fancy champaign looking bottle – check. Yes, I did make him a Vanilla Cake with Vanilla cream filling and sliced almonds on top…
The morning of his birthday, I took one of the balloons and went to wake him up. He shot out of his bed, unlike other mornings when he takes his time to wake up… He grabbed the balloon, said “thank you!” and rushed downstairs.. I was running after him to tell him that he doesn’t have time to open presents now, as we had to leave very soon to get to an appointment. He turned around and said “I know I just want to check if you got it correctly…. ” Wow, no pressure.
He peaked carefully in every bag, nodding in approval, and mumbling. .”uhum.. yes.. ok.. yeah..that’s it..” and then he said, “You are missing two..but that’s ok, I love you anyway..” He was about to rush upstairs again to get ready, but I stopped him. I said “Sam, aren’t you going to say something?” “Oh, Thank you!” he said.. And rushed again.
If he were your neurotypical 12 year old, he would be considered selfish, inconsiderate, bad mannered… But Aspergers and Autistic people don’t think like you and I. And there is nothing wrong with not using the generally accepted rules of courtesy.
The funny thing is, that sometimes, Sam would blow your mind with courtesies – he would introduce his grandmother to people we meet outside of home, he would open the door and hold it for other people, he would ask his tutor how her weekend was, and if she would like something to drink. It inevitably makes me ask myself, whether it’s family members that he considers unworthy of his effort to be courteous. Or is it may be the fact that he thinks, ah well, they know I love them, and they love me, so why should I keep telling and showing them something they already know..
But also, people easily forget that children and adults with Aspergers are not as tuned in to other people’s emotions as neurotipicals are. They don’t understand why they need to say all these niceties when they’ve made a logical request, they’ve calculated everything, they’ve asked you, and you’ve delivered. So the logical thing would be to check if everything is in place, and oh, yeah, some things are missing, but “I Love You Anyway!”
That last statement for me was more than enough to show me that he appreciated the presents and he loves me. I will take anything and understand and encourage him to be more sensitive. But unless I actually give him specific examples, feed him lines in certain situations, he will not voluntarily come up with it. And it’s not something that Sam or any child like him should be punished for, if they don’t do. Their brains are wired differently, and unless caretakers, teachers, parents and relatives, understand this, the children will suffer, and they will not know exactly why. There is no need for the “consequence” route. It will not sink it! It will not have the desired effect, and ultimately it will make them more resentful, because they don’t understand WHY they are being punished!
I love the fact that he built all of his 6 lego kits in less than 5 hours… A task that would probably take me 5 days… And I don’t guarantee success..
He may not be always on the ball with other people’s emotions, but boy, is he focused, smart and skilled!
Happy Birthday Sam!!! I love you too!
–Mom