Field Trippin’ (A Lesson from a Confident Aspie)

Acceptance. Why is it so important to us, neurotypicals? What difference would it make if Suzy thinks that I am a fabulous person and that I’m someone to hang out with.. Or why is it depressing if are left outside a circle, or if we hear gossip about ourselves, or when we see giggling groups at the office… Most people say this doesn’t bother them, but I’ve seen people fall to pieces, after being fired from their jobs or having been rejected by a girlfriend or a boyfriend… For children this can be magnified tremendously, to something that stays with you your whole life. I still remember how some classmates of mine isolated me while they played a game that somehow couldn’t involve one more person. They laughed… It hurt. Eventually, some of us grow out of this need and some just can’t find that one point of balance, or one person who would have their best interest at heart and then it won’t matter.

When I first faced the possibility of a life with Asperger’s syndrome, I was in denial, I was embarrassed, I thought it was definitely my fault. Most of all, I was ready to protect my boy (and his neurotypical brother) from any and all harm, bad word, or a fight.

But as the years passed and Sam grew into his big preteen self, I realized… when one door closes, another one opens, and somehow the balance is there.
Quite early on, Sam has already learned that acceptance is what you give to yourself, so that everyone else sees in you what  you see in yourself.

Yesterday, my angel was on his first ever sleep over field trip! I am so excited and nervous to greet him back!

He’s been literally attached to his iPad and his guitar day and night, so to see him voluntarily relinquish his favorite things in favor of going on a bus to a place he’s never been to before, with no family members….. I don’t know about you, but for a Mom of an Aspergers child , this is one huge deal! He was so excited about doing such a “grown-up thing” with all his new classmates, that I had a feeling, I am going on my first field trip.
One thing about Sam is never-failing! His enthusiasm is infectious! He just can’t hold it back!

And boom, here we fall in the #1 pitfall of Aspergers – social nonacceptance. And why may I ask, is it inappropriate to act anything else but jaded, if you are to be accepted as a “popular” kid or adult for that matter?
We arrived in the morning at the crack of dawn at the school, all packed, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Well, at least one of us… No copious amounts of Starbucks can bring my brain in its original location at 5am, but I was there going through the motions. We did a final check of his items and entered the school, being one of the first ones to arrive.
I sat with him and told him I will wait for as long as he needs me and I can also wait to actually put him on the bus. He looked at me, took a breath, and said: “We’ll see how it goes..” I said ok.
We sat there, in silence, while he was observing all the other kids arriving, greeting each other, finding each other in the crowd, giving each other the bump or the high five, or the shoulder nudge… They all have these “secret” greetings, the cool kids. But no one came to say hi to him. Except one boy and .. surprisingly 5 girls!!! (Go Sam!!) He was beaming with pride and a bit of embarrassment, especially when the girls came around and cheerfully said “Hi Sam!”
So i thought, he’ll be ok. He doesn’t need to be with all the popular kids. God knows, I wasn’t and I turned out ok and best of all, my self esteem wasn’t a direct function of whether the group accepted me or not. There are certainly good things that come out of being the nerdy, dorky, quirky or any other synonym of “weird” kid, growing up. And I believe Sam’s making the best of it.
What I wish is that I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to some of the nasty condescending remarks I overheard from a group of boys sitting close by…. I am so happy he has that ability – to switch off negativity and focus on what’s important to him!
What could I have done? I could have sat with the boys and asked them why they think it’s ok to talk about others or laugh at them, I could have asked a teacher to interfere, I could have asked the boys if their mothers were there and have a talk with them…

Would any of this have helped? Perhaps… But will they be the last ones to misunderstand uniqueness for weirdness? I don’t think so. Would their parents agree with me? Probably not. As parents of only neurotypical children, they probably have no interest in discussing something that would be in their eyes a “hearsay…” So I looked at Sam, saw that he was completely happy waiting for his great adventure to start, and had chosen to stay focused on the positive!

I live, I learn, I love! Every day, I become more positive and focused on what’s important. And I know this is because of Sam, and his patient and beautiful older brother (whom I will address in another post.. Or may be not.. It  would not go over well..)

Who Can We Trust?!

Today I saw a woman post on Facebook, how her neighbor’s 13 year old Autistic son likes to jump on a trampolin… entirely naked.. She shared how she likes the boy and the family and all, but she’s not really into watching him “flap his private parts..he’s not 3 .. you know what I’m saying.”

I had the almost irresistible urge to post a comment, but I sat on my hands and decided to just leave it. Then I sat and watched as the responses to her post started pouring in.  Ninety percent of the people who chose to respond to this, were LMAO-ing.. or ROFL-ing.. One mentioned that he is a foster brother of 3 autistic boys and he found this to be “totally inappropriate.” Ultimately, it did seem that all this post came to do, was to awkwardly entertain people on their lunch break.

When did that become appropriate?? Laughing out loud, rolling on the floor laughing, at the symptoms of a condition that doesn’t make a person less worthy than any of the laughing facebookers…

I am quite patient when it comes to all sorts of judgements, critique, advice and further “infringement” on my parental rights, as I deem it none of anyone’s business, thus not worthy of engaging in arguments about what I feed my child, if he’s spoiled or not (I do get a lot of these from usually women who have no children.. ) or if I should take him to this or that therapy.

My point is, the laughing ignorant people on facebook, have probably much worse “handicaps,” that they wouldn’t want seen in public, but they are quick to laugh out loud on something that is not even funny!

I feel I’m picking up steam, even though I started this post with the benign intention of bringing awareness to this not so rare “symptom” of overstimulation followed by undressing, in an autistic child/person. Getting rid of clothes is obviously not the most appropriate behavior in a world of paranoid neurotypicals, but I’d take it any day over self inflicted pain, or wounds, as I’ve heard of kids who do that to themselves in the worst possible way….

There have been many instances when I had to bite my tongue really hard to not snap back a nasty comment to a neurotypical child’s parent who thinks that no one notices how she removes her child from interaction with my son, thinking he may be contagious and autism may be a virus… I have sat on my hands and I’ve squinted my eyes, and I have inhaled and exhaled deeply and I have held my elbows, giving myself a tight hug.. oh yeah, all the techniques I’m trying to teach my son on how to handle anger-inducing moments – I’ve tried them first on myself.

One day we were at a pool in a beautiful hotel in a foreign country where we went for a week long trip. Sam found this little girl on a float and they started talking about .. I have no idea – toys, games, whatever. He was in the water and was pulling her float gently, giving her a ride across the shallow end of the pool.  The whole time they were talking about their important topics. I got so emotional watching him make a little friend, that I started get teary eyed under my huge sunglasses… I decided to just stay in a very close proximity, but not engage. Just wanted to see how they will interact. They were doing great! Until the parents arrived. They pulled her away, and asked him – quite aggressively I might add – what’s his name and where are his parents. He turned and pointed at me. I waved. They didn’t wave back…

At that time he was obsessed with geography. So he (appropriately) asked them where they were from. They told him the state and city. He immediately pulled all the statistics about it. He was telling them how big their city was, how many people live there, what sister cities in other countries their city has.. Their eyes were turning bigger and more worried, and they started backing up, pulling the daughter’s float faster and faster away from Sam. He kept telling them all he knew about their city and state, and walking after them, hoping to strike a chord of mutual knowledge, hoping he will be liked because he knows all these facts about their home town…

I realized that a problem is brewing as they were stepping further and further away.. I got inside the pool, walked over to him and hugged him, saying that they are in a hurry to go get dinner, but I am here, so he can tell me all he knows and I’ll gladly listen…

I kept my sunglasses on for a while, because now my tears wouldn’t stop.. And they weren’t the happy tears from before.. they were the black, sad, angry, roaring, infuriated, powerless, white-knuckled tears.. that nothing can stop, except an hour of punching a boxing bag…

How do I explain to the whole ignorant world that he is not “weird” “awkward” “scary” “suspicious” or any other sort of adjective they want to attach to my son and others like him… How do I tell them that the fact that they don’t know there is country Georgia, and my 10 year old does, speaks volumes… How do I tell them to just shut up and if they listen to what he has to say, they may actually learn something..

Now I feel the same kind of fury and compassion for the boy who took his clothes off, and for his parents.. They probably thought they can trust this woman being a close neighbor, who likes their son and spends time with him..

That same woman, who blatantly abused their trust and posted their daily pain for everyone to see and laugh at! They probably felt so relieved that this one person next door is someone who “gets” him… Aaah my heart just pains for them and how betrayed they are.. I don’t know who they are or where they live, and it certainly is not my place to tell them..

I am feeling that one hour boxing urge come again.. So I’ll leave it at that, and go to the gym. In the words of one of my new favorite bloggers from laughingtotears “We (Parents of Autistic Children) are already angry, sleep deprived, not socially well-adjusted, we know how to fight.” Do you really want to pick a fight with us?! 

I will reblog Erica and Lisa’s post just because it makes me laugh and cry and most of all because it makes me feel like I am not the only person in the world feeling that way.. and that’s ok!